I used to be strong, I used to be fine when left alone but after I experienced how it was like to have someone, I really don't want to go back being alone.

I want someone I can hang out with all day but there's no one, everyone has their own lives to lead. Their lives are not intertwined with mine, they are not obliged to stay with me.

I haven't been really happy since the day we broke up, or really since the day we separated. God knows I tried. I can be happy around my friends but at the end of the day reality comes back and slaps me across the face. I tried eating just chocolates to get happy & cough syrup to let me sleep away the days but it never worked. When I wake up I feel worse than ever, because the memories all come flooding back, and also the fact that I'm hurting so much I'm doing stupid things but he's okay. I don't know what to do I don't know how to feel I don't know what to think.

Whenever I climb into my bed, I am reminded of how he kisses my forehead and cuddles me to sleep, with the occasional patting on my favorite spot. That is the happiest I have felt in months. That is the first time in months I go to bed happy. It then hits me, I can never be happy without him.

I wore his shorts to sleep last night, despite the too-tight waistband that forces a muffin-top out. I just wanted him, or at least something of his, to be near me.

I wish he knows all these, but how do I tell him and make him understand?



Lol talk about the floodgates opening -- I never planned to write so much but I guess it's good I got it out. It's hard for me to talk to people and open up to them, he is the only one I can really open up to but now that he's gone, I can only keep things bottled up. I guess another reason is because I don't want to bother people with my personal issues, they have their own problems & their own lives to lead.

Labels: life