Everyday I tell myself to detach. Every morning I repeat the words like a mantra: detach detach detach detach detach. I don't want to be attached to someone, I don't want to set myself up for pain and heartbreak and loss. And when I get attached to someone, I tend to become sensitive, clingy and disgusting. I scrutinize every word for hidden meanings, I overthink and end up getting pissy and snappy. I don't want to become that person. Especially not with someone who is unable to give me the security and the assurance and the attention I need.
Detach detach detach detach detach. Stop scrutinizing every word. Stop overthinking. Stop giving your heart out. Stop putting yourself out there.
Detach detach detach detach detach. Become who you used to be, the cool girl who never cared about anyone, the cool girl who never cared about what people said, the cool girl who did what she wanted, said what she wanted, whenever she wanted. The cool girl who can say things she never meant to make people feel good so they'd crave for her, so she can manipulate them easily, at a snap of her fingers.
I have never said I am a nice person. Nor do I want to be one. Nice people finish last. They get chewed up and spat out and left behind.
....
Yet as I am trying to convince myself of all these, I am reminded of the times he held me in his arms, when I open my eyes to see him looking at me, when he leaves little kisses on my face and tells me he misses me, and I think, maybe I'm okay with it. Maybe.. Just maybe.. I don't want to be that detached person anymore. Maybe I want to put myself out there and feel all there is to feel. The warm happiness as he calls it.
