I feel like I've changed into someone I said I wouldn't and into someone I would hate. It's happened. I hate myself. I hate myself for being so lost and confused. I hate myself for being so desperate for the slightest bit of connection and intimacy.
And yet I am unable to stop myself from doing the things I do. I like hearing the compliments people pay me, even if they may have been said in a frenzy of limbs and clothes strewn on the floor. I am not sure if this is because of my low self-esteem, the daily stares into the mirror and realising how flawed I am, both physically and mentally and emotionally, that I crave for someone to tell me otherwise. Unfortunately because of how I am, I've become someone people come to only when they need, and it hurts but I go along with it, trying to make myself seem as detached as possible.
Or maybe I see this as a conquest, but I am not sure what comes out of it at the end of the day. There are no trophies, nobody cheering for me at the end of the line. Only the feelings of shame and confusion, wondering what the hell am I doing with my life.
And while that is not what I want, that is something I need. Because I am already screwed up and broken beyond repair. I long for something normal like slowly falling for someone I have a 'connection' with, but I can never get what this 'connection' means. But I know at the end of the day, I will never be satisfied with something like that. And that is why I am too messed up for a normal life.
