It has. The year has nearly ended. I avoided this space because I didn't want to be reminded.
Turns out I still return here when I feel empty. I had a nice year, ups and downs but generally good, with someone new and new friends and all.
But tonight when I'm empty and I'm lonely, the thought of him creeps into my mind. I suddenly wonder if I'm terminally ill, should I even tell him? Would he care? What would he do? Silly thoughts, really.
Of course I miss him dearly and I look him up on social media once in a while to find out how he's doing. I'm both happy and unhappy when I find out he's still with the same person and I get angry at myself because the problem really lies with me; or did he not love me that much to begin with?
It's torturous thoughts at 2.08 in the morning with no one to really know what I'm thinking. I keep these secrets because I don't know who I can talk to.
I read this space and it tears open old wounds and I start crying again, just like how I was 2 years ago. You'd think one would have already gotten over a bad breakup but for some reason I haven't and I can't. I don't know what I'm holding on for and what I'm holding on to, because I would gladly let go if it means happiness. Or I wouldn't, because it means our memories would just be forgotten. And it seems rather harsh.