I look at happy people and well.. I just want to be happy. Like, happy happy. Happy.

H A P P Y.

But how do you let go of someone? Is there something like 'Letting Go for Dummies'?

I actually don't want to let go yet, it seems like I'll be giving up and I don't want to.

On some days I think about things and thank God that at least it happened and I was happy, and on other days I think about things and hate it that it happened and I'm so damn unhappy.

I keep dreaming of you. Every few days.

The memories follow me in the day & the dreams haunt me in the night.

about 6 months since we separated. I still don't feel any different than how I'd felt then. The hurt, the thoughts, the feelings all remain the same. In my mind I still call him 'baby' or 'babyboy', and up till now I have still yet to call him by his name. It has an odd ring to it, and I don't like it.

I planned a surprise for him on his birthday, I just hope he won't be stubborn and let me do it my way.

...
On a side note, I tried reading my palm after looking at information on the internet. Apparently I will have only 1 or 2 relationship attachments in my life.
Also, it seems like I am not someone who is understanding and empathetic. That comes as a surprise.

Maybe, perhaps, one day things will be better. Maybe, perhaps, that is the day you come back.

Our eyes met and he looked like he wanted to say something, but I looked away. What else could I do?

...
He asked Jaz about me last night, and asked her to help him take care of me.
If you want me to be safe then why don't you take care of me yourself, dummy! Sigh.. I miss talking to him.

I'm only surviving on a single meal a day. It's only because I sleep when dawn breaks and I don't wake up in time for other meals.
I know I'm losing weight but at the same time I'm not craving for food like I used to. I only eat to survive. Well to make things better I try to eat food that gives me protein during that one meal. Eggs, meat, fish & rice and I'm good.
I don't know how to break this cycle. Waking up in the afternoon, mope in bed the whole day or go out, eat dinner, mope around in bed some more, watch Top Gear at 12.40am, go back to bed and sleep when it's 4 or 5am.
I also think it's because I suffer from insomnia, I woke up at 6.45am after 2 hours of sleep, caved in to an hour's nap at 6pm and then promptly proceeded to stay awake all the way to 5.30am and wake up at 3 odd. I'm screwed.

I had a nice day today. I spent half the day moping in bed, and then went out to teach tuition and met Yangzhao after. Had to drag him out of his house because apparently, he had just showered and accompanying me for dinner was not on the top of his to-do list.

People who know me well know that directions is not my forte, and today the fool let me guide him to Hougang Ave 4 (my goodness, how many times have I been to that place already?) and we went around in circles. CIRCLES. AND I WAS GUIDED BY GOOGLE MAPS. HOW ON EARTH DOES ONE GET LOST WITH A GPS IN HAND? He eventually got irritated, took the phone off my hands, studied the map and got there in less than 5 minutes. I then proceeded to guide him to the wrong carpark. I meekly told him there was actually a nearer carpark after we parked, and he looked at me, smiled, and pretended he did not hear what I had just said. Smart move, lad.

Oh yes, after all the trouble of getting there, we realise that the sting ray stall was closed. Once again, he looked at me, smiled, and pretended not to see anything, and allowed me to guide him to the other coffee shop.

He then sent me back, but I insisted on ice-cream from 7-11. He parked under my block and we went over to grab some. On the way, we noticed some flashing lights in the distance and decide to walk over to take a look. We walked and walked.... and the lights never got any closer. It was so much further than what we had expected and by the time we nearly reached the lights, they drove off and we had to walk the whole way back.

Reading this entry makes me think we waste a lot of time traveling hmm. Well, that concludes my Valentine's this year. It wasn't so bad :]

Labels: awesomesauce, friends, life

Time after time I can't help feeling that it was all my fault. I wasn't caring enough, I wasn't appreciative enough, I was too selfish, I was too jealous and just about a million other things.
I have done plenty of self-reflection in the past few months and realised the things I needed to change. All I need right now is just another chance.

I used to be strong, I used to be fine when left alone but after I experienced how it was like to have someone, I really don't want to go back being alone.

I want someone I can hang out with all day but there's no one, everyone has their own lives to lead. Their lives are not intertwined with mine, they are not obliged to stay with me.

I haven't been really happy since the day we broke up, or really since the day we separated. God knows I tried. I can be happy around my friends but at the end of the day reality comes back and slaps me across the face. I tried eating just chocolates to get happy & cough syrup to let me sleep away the days but it never worked. When I wake up I feel worse than ever, because the memories all come flooding back, and also the fact that I'm hurting so much I'm doing stupid things but he's okay. I don't know what to do I don't know how to feel I don't know what to think.

Whenever I climb into my bed, I am reminded of how he kisses my forehead and cuddles me to sleep, with the occasional patting on my favorite spot. That is the happiest I have felt in months. That is the first time in months I go to bed happy. It then hits me, I can never be happy without him.

I wore his shorts to sleep last night, despite the too-tight waistband that forces a muffin-top out. I just wanted him, or at least something of his, to be near me.

I wish he knows all these, but how do I tell him and make him understand?



Lol talk about the floodgates opening -- I never planned to write so much but I guess it's good I got it out. It's hard for me to talk to people and open up to them, he is the only one I can really open up to but now that he's gone, I can only keep things bottled up. I guess another reason is because I don't want to bother people with my personal issues, they have their own problems & their own lives to lead.

Labels: life

I know that God is watching over me though. I just wish he'd give me back what I had.

Every morning I wake up feeling lonely. I haven't had that feeling for quite a while now, but when it comes it brings memories along & I end up in a crumpled heap, wishing for time to rewind so that I could live in happy times again.

I have so many things to say but I can't find the right moment to tell him, nor can I find the right words. I don't know how to make him understand.

Is this how love between two people is supposed to come to an end? When both still love each other and miss each other, but for some reason one has gotten it in his head that they shouldn't be together?