Saturday, August 15, 2026
How long has it been?
As the title says.
I still find myself coming back whenever I feel down and out and unhappy with life. Many things have changed - I have gotten married, got my own house, got a dog, got 2 kids, and yet I still feel… lost. Deep down have I truly never changed?
I used to think having my own family would make my life feel complete, and in many ways I do feel fulfilled. But I also feel empty after giving so much of myself. I feel so so so much guilt towards my second child because I barely spent time with him in his first year. But it just felt so hard to bring myself to. I just felt so done, so drained. Even more so now.
I’m so exhausted……… when does this end?
Friday, May 10, 2019
There’s been so many changes since the last time I posted. I’m stronger, or maybe I’m just more cautious and I don’t want to open up so easily anymore. I don’t trust people because words are just words, nothing more.
I recently met someone who fell head over heels for me, and he’s truly making an effort to take care of me and he believes I deserve the best. I’m so grateful for everything he’s done. His eyes sparkle everytime I say or do something simple and sweet and I can feel his joy bubbling and just pouring out of him when I surprise him. But really how long can he do this for? When he says he wants to marry me I ask how do you know you want to when you only know me for 2 months?
Do you just know when someone is the right one or is this just something you feel at the start of every single relationship?
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Feeling so tired of life.
Feeling so ugly.
People don’t get why I feel ugly, always telling me how pretty I am. I was never the pretty one growing up, boys would talk to me just so they could get to know my best friend. I grew up feeling invisible. I used to stare at myself in the mirror, looking myself over and pointing out all the flaws I see. My eyes are too far apart, my nose too wide and flat, my lips too thick and shapeless, my skin isn’t perfect. I could go on and on about every single part of my body. The insecurity that I have is growing, especially with the rise of social media where girls are now free to post their pictures on the internet and people would fawn over them. I would always compare myself to them, and then feel horrible about myself. It’s not healthy but I can’t help myself.
Maybe that’s why I’m so insecure in a relationship. I always can’t believe that a guy would choose me over the girls who are so much prettier than I am, funnier than I am. I always believed a guy regretted choosing me once he found out who I truly am, how I truly look under the makeup and when I just wake up, all messy-haired and blurry-eyed.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
I don't want to be lied to anymore..
It's so tiring to never be able to trust a person, especially someone who is on your mind all the time.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Oh my god
The day I thought would never come has arrived. When I least expected it.
He leaned over and said 'I think I love you.'
Oh my god I was jumping for goddamn fucking joy on the inside.
Other laaahhhhvvvly things he said:
'Next time when someone asks who fetched me from the hospital I can say it's my girlfriend.' IS THIS A HINT.
'You make me fall for you every single day.'
Sigh what have I done to deserve such happiness.
Saturday, August 08, 2015
Once again
Detach, Helena. Detach. It's always good to be detached.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
I've forgotten how jealous I can get but today I got reminded of it. Decided to peek at his phone for a bit and when I saw her name again I just got so jealous it was crazy. I've never felt my heart clench so tight and I was trying so hard to keep a straight face during dinner. But who am I to be jealous? After all she was his girlfriend and longtime friend.
It doesn't help when I've been feeling that he's starting to get bored of me recently sigh. I want to whine and be unreasonable and illogical and demand my way but I have to be mature and handle things properly.... Which means keeping things to myself again. I can't keep harping on the same issue over and over again. I guess it's best I stay quiet sigh...........
