Friday, May 10, 2019
There’s been so many changes since the last time I posted. I’m stronger, or maybe I’m just more cautious and I don’t want to open up so easily anymore. I don’t trust people because words are just words, nothing more.
I recently met someone who fell head over heels for me, and he’s truly making an effort to take care of me and he believes I deserve the best. I’m so grateful for everything he’s done. His eyes sparkle everytime I say or do something simple and sweet and I can feel his joy bubbling and just pouring out of him when I surprise him. But really how long can he do this for? When he says he wants to marry me I ask how do you know you want to when you only know me for 2 months?
Do you just know when someone is the right one or is this just something you feel at the start of every single relationship?
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Feeling so tired of life.
Feeling so ugly.
People don’t get why I feel ugly, always telling me how pretty I am. I was never the pretty one growing up, boys would talk to me just so they could get to know my best friend. I grew up feeling invisible. I used to stare at myself in the mirror, looking myself over and pointing out all the flaws I see. My eyes are too far apart, my nose too wide and flat, my lips too thick and shapeless, my skin isn’t perfect. I could go on and on about every single part of my body. The insecurity that I have is growing, especially with the rise of social media where girls are now free to post their pictures on the internet and people would fawn over them. I would always compare myself to them, and then feel horrible about myself. It’s not healthy but I can’t help myself.
Maybe that’s why I’m so insecure in a relationship. I always can’t believe that a guy would choose me over the girls who are so much prettier than I am, funnier than I am. I always believed a guy regretted choosing me once he found out who I truly am, how I truly look under the makeup and when I just wake up, all messy-haired and blurry-eyed.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
I don't want to be lied to anymore..
It's so tiring to never be able to trust a person, especially someone who is on your mind all the time.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Oh my god
The day I thought would never come has arrived. When I least expected it.
He leaned over and said 'I think I love you.'
Oh my god I was jumping for goddamn fucking joy on the inside.
Other laaahhhhvvvly things he said:
'Next time when someone asks who fetched me from the hospital I can say it's my girlfriend.' IS THIS A HINT.
'You make me fall for you every single day.'
Sigh what have I done to deserve such happiness.
Saturday, August 08, 2015
Detach, Helena. Detach. It's always good to be detached.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
I've forgotten how jealous I can get but today I got reminded of it. Decided to peek at his phone for a bit and when I saw her name again I just got so jealous it was crazy. I've never felt my heart clench so tight and I was trying so hard to keep a straight face during dinner. But who am I to be jealous? After all she was his girlfriend and longtime friend.
It doesn't help when I've been feeling that he's starting to get bored of me recently sigh. I want to whine and be unreasonable and illogical and demand my way but I have to be mature and handle things properly.... Which means keeping things to myself again. I can't keep harping on the same issue over and over again. I guess it's best I stay quiet sigh...........
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Attach // detach
Everyday I tell myself to detach. Every morning I repeat the words like a mantra: detach detach detach detach detach. I don't want to be attached to someone, I don't want to set myself up for pain and heartbreak and loss. And when I get attached to someone, I tend to become sensitive, clingy and disgusting. I scrutinize every word for hidden meanings, I overthink and end up getting pissy and snappy. I don't want to become that person. Especially not with someone who is unable to give me the security and the assurance and the attention I need.
Detach detach detach detach detach. Stop scrutinizing every word. Stop overthinking. Stop giving your heart out. Stop putting yourself out there.
Detach detach detach detach detach. Become who you used to be, the cool girl who never cared about anyone, the cool girl who never cared about what people said, the cool girl who did what she wanted, said what she wanted, whenever she wanted. The cool girl who can say things she never meant to make people feel good so they'd crave for her, so she can manipulate them easily, at a snap of her fingers.
I have never said I am a nice person. Nor do I want to be one. Nice people finish last. They get chewed up and spat out and left behind.
Yet as I am trying to convince myself of all these, I am reminded of the times he held me in his arms, when I open my eyes to see him looking at me, when he leaves little kisses on my face and tells me he misses me, and I think, maybe I'm okay with it. Maybe.. Just maybe.. I don't want to be that detached person anymore. Maybe I want to put myself out there and feel all there is to feel. The warm happiness as he calls it.